Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
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What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
“I FIXED IT!”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
bears
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.