HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex


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me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap


My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.


DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had


You ask her about her secret desire.

“Five Guys would be delicious,” she responds.

You are faced with an interpretation conundrum.


A co-worker said to me, “Could you be any more annoying?” So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.


Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.


[dies and goes to hell]
me: “mom? dad!? what are you doing here!”
dad: “we used to switch your food with the dog’s food sometimes.”


“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies


I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.


Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus