HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
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Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
also my go-to takeaway order
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
The two types of wives
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”