@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

You Might Also Like

@GrantTanaka

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

@karanbirtinna

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

@ArfMeasures

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

@UnFitz

You ask her about her secret desire.

“Five Guys would be delicious,” she responds.

You are faced with an interpretation conundrum.

@Prince_Smarming

A co-worker said to me, “Could you be any more annoying?” So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.

@ADDiane

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

@DiscoFruit

[dies and goes to hell]
me: “mom? dad!? what are you doing here!”
dad: “we used to switch your food with the dog’s food sometimes.”

@jmabell

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

@jackiembouvier

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

@foodfacenow

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus