We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
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He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
One of the best
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something