Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
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I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Sex so good you see dead people.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.