HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?