Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
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One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
is this how new cars are made??
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.