Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
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5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
The Friday File.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
watergate? u mean a dam??
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been