@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

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@PeterMolydeux

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

@ArfMeasures

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

@WheelTod

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

@joshandbeyond

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

@mollymcnearney

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

@Marlebean

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

@UnFitz

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

@astutenewf

Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”

Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

@parker287

My friend’s crazy, he left a bunch of chocolate balls on the floor in his cat’s litter box, they’re not that good.

@_Tempo11

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.