You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
Her: I like bad boys
Me: I break the law sometimes
Her: ooooh which one?
Me: *from ceiling* gravity
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ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Me: my best friend is my wife
My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew.
So I keep the curtains closed.