i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
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Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.