@noodlegrip

Her: I like bad boys

Me: I break the law sometimes

Her: ooooh which one?

Me: *from ceiling* gravity

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@baeblacksheep

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

@eminmien

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

@rockymomax

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

@hazelmotes1

Me: my best friend is my wife

Everyone: awwww

My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE

@RubenWriter

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

@Lhlodder

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

@ThisLocalHater

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

@Douchekevin

I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew.

So I keep the curtains closed.