Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
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I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
the noise i just made
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!
Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
WHO WAS THE PERSON WHO PASSED UP THE CHANCE TO CALL GERMAN CURRENCY GERMONEY
ME: is there a doctor on this flight??
GUY: i’m a doctor
ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts