Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
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I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
January has been Januweary
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers