Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
uncle dave has been through hell
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
The struggle is real.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.