@Ivsy01

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

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@MeganGetsMoney

Logged out of Twitter for a few hours… Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: You put the “cow” in “coworker”
Her: Excuse me??
Me: It’s a joke format.
Her: I’m telling HR..
Me: Ok but I doubt they’ll get it either.

@TheBoydP

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

@Pumpkinbabypie

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

@michaelianblack

“God” not mentioned in Democratic platform means they don’t worship God. “Money” mentioned eleven times in Republican platform.

@kumailn

If I had a time machine I’d go back 10 years and tell myself “Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to.”

@ShawnIzadi

That moment you could pass as an Olympic speed walker because you are racing to the bathroom.

@alexlumaga

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

@RobertManchild

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.