@CulturedRuffian

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

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@man_spach

I shut down my computer in the middle of an iTunes update and I think Siri just sent a Terminator back in time to kill teenage me.

@Alex_N_Chains

I had my appendix taken out as a child. They said it was useless, but based on my life since then, I’m guessing it controls motivation.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

@junejuly12

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

@patrickoriley

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

@OtherDanOBrien

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

@insoMOMniac

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

@HiddleDeeDee

The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.

@AnkCoupleTO

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*