I shut down my computer in the middle of an iTunes update and I think Siri just sent a Terminator back in time to kill teenage me.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Me: The beach.
Me: We should see other people.
You Might Also Like
I had my appendix taken out as a child. They said it was useless, but based on my life since then, I’m guessing it controls motivation.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
“Is the Book Report any good?”
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*