@CulturedRuffian

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

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@just1fool

The last beer didn’t tell me why life is so confusing but it told me the next one would.

@UnFitz

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

@dlicj

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

@patnspankme

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

@graceupongracie

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

@huntigula

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

@Goofpoops

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

@EndhooS

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy