her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
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Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.