My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
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boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
still the best tweet of the year by far