People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
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Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁