HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
You Might Also Like
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
when someone compliments me
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower