Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
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me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.