A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
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Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
This one’s “Alex”.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.