Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
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Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
hackers play passwordle
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
good work, detective
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.