Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
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You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!