@sofarrsogud

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

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@kevinrowe1

Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?

@SteveDutzy

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

@jlock17

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

@joanofdarkness

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

@markydoodoo

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

@TheCiscoKidder

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

@KalvinMacleod

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

@BrettDruck

Oh you’re a foodie? You like food? Wow you are very unique. Personally I’m a foodie but I’m also a breathie. Love to breathe.

@bourgeoisalien

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

@CrisMtzgr

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t