Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
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HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Oh you’re a foodie? You like food? Wow you are very unique. Personally I’m a foodie but I’m also a breathie. Love to breathe.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t