So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
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why I oughta
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
doing some research
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
You sure about that?
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
“i miss shittin on people”
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.