HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

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Dear 2020,

If you’re going to keep taking things and people away from me could you at least take 5 lbs while you’re at it?



Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.


ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?


*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter


God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”


Your quarantine name is:
The colour of your underwear followed by the last thing you ordered on Amazon


*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair


[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG


him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot


[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”