HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
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Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.