If you’re going to keep taking things and people away from me could you at least take 5 lbs while you’re at it?
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
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Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
God: “haha, alright man”
Your quarantine name is:
The colour of your underwear followed by the last thing you ordered on Amazon
*shampoos & conditions hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
me: im not some potato riot
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”