her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
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Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Batman v Dracula
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.