HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
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“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
ready to be harvested
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.