HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
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Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
That’s enough internet for the day
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Incredible customer service.
it was a valiant fight