HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
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driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.