her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
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date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!