her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
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I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure