“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
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Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
GOD: How many animals left to make?
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
“you should have used a tag”
[a horse emerges on luggage belt]
noone else has brought a horse linda
[another horse appears]
This bank pen tastes like it’s been in a lot of other people’s mouths
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.