Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
The Friday File.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.