@mccanncreates

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

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@drinksmcgee

I saw someone use “Terrierist” instead of “Terrorist” and I don’t know whether I should be afraid of my dogs or not.

@junejuly12

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

@daemonic3

[clothing store]

me: can you help estimate what size i am? my deceased wife used to buy all my shirts for me

employee: i recommend a medium

me: ok do you know any good ones?

@anerdonfire2

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

@mrsmith196645

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!

@ruinedpicnic

me: did you check the suggestion box
boss: we don’t have a suggestion box we have a paper shredder
me: MY DRAWINGS

@dave_cactus

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

@cydbeer

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

@DamonHunzeker

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

@katvonwitt

Local news station is airing a segment on free rent in exchange for sex. Look, you don’t have to tell me how a marriage works.