I saw someone use “Terrierist” instead of “Terrorist” and I don’t know whether I should be afraid of my dogs or not.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
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The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
me: can you help estimate what size i am? my deceased wife used to buy all my shirts for me
employee: i recommend a medium
me: ok do you know any good ones?
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
me: did you check the suggestion box
boss: we don’t have a suggestion box we have a paper shredder
me: MY DRAWINGS
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Local news station is airing a segment on free rent in exchange for sex. Look, you don’t have to tell me how a marriage works.