Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

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“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“No, he’s a labrador.”


Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]


GOD: How many animals left to make?


G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT


Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee


*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*


Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?


“you should have used a tag”
[a horse emerges on luggage belt]
noone else has brought a horse linda
[another horse appears]
oh FFS


This bank pen tastes like it’s been in a lot of other people’s mouths


I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.