HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
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Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Mornin
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.