@clichedout

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

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@WeeMissBea

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

@handsock_butts

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

@TheBeerGuy73

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

@TheCamJude

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

@AimeeHelene1

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

@BriarSlyMadness

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

@nPhelendriqal

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

@good_one_rick

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend