her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
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Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.