Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
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When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
when someone rings the doorbell
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
This is true.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Breaking news:
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
i wish we could shoplift online
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”