Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
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Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
SCARY COSTUME
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.