HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
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paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
dictator is short for richard potato
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Ooops wrong house😂😜
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years