@RoosterMustache

HER: I love sweater weather

ME: *holding up an umbrella to protect us from falling sweaters* It’s that time of year again already?!

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@michaelianblack

Maybe Taylor Swfit dates Justin Bieber and John Mayer dates Selena Gomez and it’s like matter/anti-matter and they all explode?

@AnkCoupleTO

[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

@Fred_Delicious

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

@pant_leg

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

@Pulse_NYC

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

@Marlebean

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

@fro_vo

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

@JediGigi

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

@Angibangie

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.