the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
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*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.