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@gruffybeard: Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan.
Me: *makes another plate of nachos*
@kidsrgross: *puts on pants*
4: who’s coming over?
@ohen39: [meeting girlfriend's parents]
her dad: we'll be seeing more of each other then?
me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend
@Black__Elvis: I once had a brush with Death and then a floss and a rinse; no woman wants to get intimate with a dark annihilator of souls with bad teeth.
@david8hughes: Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we're meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
@BlackCatBettie: My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.