at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
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I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I think about this a lot
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.