the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
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I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
White Castle for the Win
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Well, shit
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.