wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
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PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies