Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

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waiter: what would you like to have?

me: bring a milkshake with two straws

date: *smiles*

me: *puts both the straws in my mouth* look how fast I can drink


I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.


[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.


I was on my way to commit a heinous act of religiously motivated violence but then I saw a Coexist bumper sticker


He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.


Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor


A new study shows dolphins have great memory. Memories include “Swam in water” and “Ate”.