Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
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wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Bringing home a sharpie
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Help Wanted
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light