@djdarrellripley

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

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@Jerrypleasure

[Date]
waiter: what would you like to have?

me: bring a milkshake with two straws

date: *smiles*

me: *puts both the straws in my mouth* look how fast I can drink

@Tw1tter_K1tten

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

@TheToddWilliams

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

@NicestHippo

I was on my way to commit a heinous act of religiously motivated violence but then I saw a Coexist bumper sticker

@RidiculousSheri

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

@Smethanie

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

@juliussharpe

A new study shows dolphins have great memory. Memories include “Swam in water” and “Ate”.