her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
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Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Jupiter
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.