her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

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Of course I care about ethical farming practices and proper nutrition. My eggs came from chickens who were fed only the finest vegetarians.


For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it


her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side


Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.


Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.


INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what


This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”