@gruffybeard

Her: I need a living will.

Me: *wiping blood off knife* I’ve got a dead Steve. Close enough?

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@Love_bug1016

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

@Playing_Dad

Her: What do you do?
Me: I drill for oil.
G: That sounds interesting.
M: No, it’s really…
H: Don’t do it, I’ll leave
M:…just boring

@DurtMcHurtt

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

@LeonEarlgrey

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

@johnbcrist

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

@YourMomsucksTho

Marriage is fun because i asked my husband to please fix the sink and he started talking about how he should add a floor over the living room because it’s wasted space, then watched DIY on house flipping and said he could do that, then took a nap and the sink is still broken.

@stevevsninjas

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

@klecket

Does it creep anyone else out that Donald Duck eats a turkey dinner on ‘Once Upon A Christmas’? Isn’t that a form of cannibalism?