Her: I need a living will.

Me: *wiping blood off knife* I’ve got a dead Steve. Close enough?

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If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.


Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.


When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question


dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back


Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit


Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”


Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?


Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.


I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip