If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Her: I need a living will.
Me: *wiping blood off knife* I’ve got a dead Steve. Close enough?
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Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Her: Can you turn off the lights?
Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE