@Love_bug1016 I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
@gruffybeard Her: I need a living will.
Me: *wiping blood off knife* I’ve got a dead Steve. Close enough?
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@Love_bug1016 
@babarbaaz_ A movie with a rating of 3.14 is a pirated movie
@Playing_Dad Her: What do you do?
Me: I drill for oil.
G: That sounds interesting.
M: No, it’s really…
H: Don’t do it, I’ll leave
M:…just boring
@DurtMcHurtt [intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
@LeonEarlgrey I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
@johnbcrist I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
@YourMomsucksTho Marriage is fun because i asked my husband to please fix the sink and he started talking about how he should add a floor over the living room because it’s wasted space, then watched DIY on house flipping and said he could do that, then took a nap and the sink is still broken.
@stevevsninjas Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
@klecket Does it creep anyone else out that Donald Duck eats a turkey dinner on ‘Once Upon A Christmas’? Isn’t that a form of cannibalism?