I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
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When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Ha.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.