If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
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The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window