Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
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my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
me when I see my crush
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing