People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
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*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I’ve finally reached the age where I can’t function without my glasses…especially if they’re empty.