Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
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Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.