Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.