Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
You Might Also Like
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.