@Shock_Monster

Her: I saw this Yoda pen & I thought of you.

Me: WHY? YOU THINK I’M 8 OR SOMETHING?

Her: No, sorry…

Me: Hey, hey, hey! Leave the pen.

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@AbbyHasIssues

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

@internetluke

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

@HelsNotAllowed

My boyfriend isn’t allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex’s there…

@PJTLynch

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

@jergarl

Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, “LIAR!” into her ear after I watched her type “lol”.

She did NOT lol.

@shanethevein

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

@Ameiam

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.