It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Her: I saw this Yoda pen & I thought of you.
Me: WHY? YOU THINK I’M 8 OR SOMETHING?
Her: No, sorry…
Me: Hey, hey, hey! Leave the pen.
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Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
My boyfriend isn’t allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex’s there…
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, “LIAR!” into her ear after I watched her type “lol”.
She did NOT lol.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.