HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
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*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!