Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
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A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Misunderstandings happen when one person is clearly stupid.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.