Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
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So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Best spoiler warning ever
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion