ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
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[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Your time difference cannot harm me. My insomnia is like a shield of steel.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Only Asian parents will shout at you for buying them a present
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.