Her: I think I'm going to call it a night. Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that's what it's called.

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

Your time difference cannot harm me. My insomnia is like a shield of steel.

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

Only Asian parents will shout at you for buying them a present

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.

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