@2tacosandadrink

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

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@StellaRtwot

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

@alexmeyerrr

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

@ChipKellysBalls

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

@MissHavisham

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

@ClichedOut

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

@pittdave13

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

@0point5twins

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.