Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
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Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*