@Daveastated

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

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@GSElevator

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

@jonnysun

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

@PoshTick

[first day as an undercover police officer]

me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime

@meganamram

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

@StephenKing

TIME wanted me to be their Person of the Year, but I said no! Won’t pose with Pennywise the Clown on my lap! Sorry, TIME! Sad!!!

@boring_as_heck

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

@Gupton68

Lost the wife today and it’s so liberating. Sadly, she’ll find me eventually, the security guard says I can’t hide in this IKEA forever.

@mortimermaiden

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

@FuckabillyRex

Gave a lady on the bus my seat and then sang Coldplay’s Yellow to her and it was so emotional she had to get off at the next stop.
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